19 Jul 2013
“So You’re Thinking About Eloping”
I am re-blogging this from Laura Lawson Art blog. She eloped, and wrote a couple of great blogs on her experience. Go give her website a view. She’s got some nice art and an ebook for sale as well!
I want to elope but don’t want to piss everyone off! Help!
Never thought I would be the poster child for eloping (I promise I do love normal weddings!) but I’ve received such an outpouring of emails from brides desperate to elope but not wanting to hurt their mother’s feelings that I figured I would write a blog post to address it.
So, you’re engaged and entering into the world of bridal. First of all, congratulations! Second of all, good luck! Please know that the following words are 100% my own opinion and you are totally allowed to completely disagree with me. Weddings are a touchy subject and everyone — truly EVERYONE — has a differing idea about what’s right. I successfully eloped, had an incredibly beautiful day I will treasure forever, my family still loves me, and I don’t regret it. Let me share some thoughts that will hopefully help you make the big decision if you are indeed thinking about running away alone together.
The first thing I’d like to discuss is your heart and motives. Bridey, be honest with yourself. Do you want a big beautiful wedding to impress other people? Or maybe because you feel like you have to, that there’s no other option? Listen to me for a second here. Our world is chockfull of lies (it’s called advertising) that trick you into believing you must spend your money a certain way, look a certain way, and basically be perfect in every way in order to be happy. IT’S A LIE. You didn’t agree to marry your lucky fiancé because it looks good to other people, right? Your reasons for marriage go a whole lot deeper than that… it’s the real thing. A wedding is a celebration of two people deciding to spend their lives together, not an excuse to plan a beautiful wedding and look pretty. Get real. If you’re more excited about people complimenting you on your Pinterest-perfect affair than spending your life with your best friend, think about your motives for marriage in the first place, because trust me, you’re in for a long haul. Girl, those place cards don’t really matter that much! All that being said, please hear me: I’m totally not saying there’s anything morally wrong with having a gorgeous wedding. I’m just suggesting that you spend some time praying about your motives. If you are considering eloping and you end up having a wedding and inviting everyone you know, more power to ya (and I’ll be looking for that invitation in the mail!).
Secondly, no matter what you decide to do with your day, you will be sacrificing something somewhere. If you go the blow-out wedding route, chances are you won’t be seeing your new husband as much as you would like because you will be so busy playing catch-up to all the out-of-town guests. So many wives have lamented to me, “I wish I had eloped! I barely even had time to touch my dinner.” If you elope, you will have time to eat your dinner (and hey, for this bride, that was a big selling point). Weddings are largely a big party, and obviously if you elope you are sacrificing that. I always thought the party was extremely important to me, but now that I have eloped I never really felt like I missed out. I’ll admit that there were a few moments on my wedding day where I wished my mom or sister had been there to tell me I looked beautiful – but all of that flew out the window as soon as I saw Nick. Our day was truly about us; there were zero distractions. I remember every single detail perfectly.
Okay, as much as I hate to, let’s get practical for a second. You’ve probably figured out by now that weddings cost a huge amount of money. Guess how much elopements cost? Not very much. We did still spend money on things… flowers, my dress, transportation, photographer and videographer, etc. but at the end of the day it was way less than a wedding would have cost, and perhaps even better, way less stressful because we weren’t budgeting everything to the last penny. Also we decided to go on not one but two honeymoons! We just got back from Mexico a month ago and are heading to the Canary Islands and Morocco next month. That’s a lot of adventures, a lot of great food, a lot of great sex. At the end of the day, you still end up just as married to your guy if you elope or go the traditional route. Is planning a wedding and dumping tens of thousands of dollars into just one day really worth it? That’s something only you and your fiancé know.
And by the way, while we’re on the topic, please make sure you make your wedding decisions together. Pretty much every decision you make from here on out will be one you make together, so put that into practice now. Learn how to compromise. There will be a lot of battles that just aren’t worth it. I know how tiring planning a wedding can be and I’m sure it’s very tempting to consider eloping to forego all the stress. Again, I can’t tell you if it is the right decision for you, but I can say that Nick and I spent our five-month engagement getting to know one another and preparing our hearts for a lifetime of marriage instead of planning a big brouhaha. Worth it? In the long run, totally.
And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for: Will my family and friends resent me forever if I elope? No they will not, unless they’re awful people and then they don’t deserve to be in your life anyway. YOUR WEDDING IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEW SPOUSE. Not what your mom wants, not what your best friend wants, hell, not even what you want! It’s you and him now, bridey. The two of you. Make the best decision for the two of you and not the best decision for other people! Everyone is going to bring their own ideas to the table, and instead of juggling other people’s opinions and schedules and cranky attitudes, do what is best for the two of you. Maybe that will mean eloping, maybe it won’t. If you do elope, your loved ones will come around. Now, there are exceptions to this. I was talking to a girl the other day who recently got engaged, and her and her fiancé have been dating on and off for ten years (since they were freshmen in high school!). For them to elope would be a huge slap in the face to the people that have helped them through their tumultuous decade, and throughout everything, have shown nothing but support. For them, eloping is not even an option, and I totally get that. If eloping means your family will be torn apart, it’s not worth it. If you do decide to elope, tell everybody again and again how thankful you are for their support and how much you will miss them on the big day. We threw a tiny reception in San Francisco a few days after our wedding with only our immediate family, and that was a fun way to celebrate without sacficing the intimacy we were looking for on our actual wedding day. Some friends of ours recently eloped and had only their mothers there to witness, which was a great compromise for them. Figure out what works for you!
What does your relationship look like? Nick and I are traveling gypsies, and between the two of us, we literally have hundreds of really close friends and family members. Even though I didn’t like the idea of eloping in the first place, for us it was absolutely the right decision. If you and your fiancé are considering eloping, don’t be rash and just run off to the courthouse. Think about it and make absolutely positively sure it’s the right decision. You may be surprised how much the right decision differs from what you previously thought you wanted!
I hope this helps! Another thing that may help (it did for me!) is Googling pictures of other couples who eloped… there are some truly beautiful images out there that will help you feel a little braver. Please feel free to shoot me an email if you have further thoughts or questions or if your mom wants to yell at me: artbylauralawson@gmail.com. May you have a beautiful and joyous wedding, whether that’s a wedding for 2 or 200!